Love letters, greeting cards, sentiments scribbled on random scraps of paper: Which ones do you cherish? For me, a homemade, handwritten, heartfelt note expressing gratitude is the absolute winner. I’ve kept tiny, hastily written, sticky notes from colleagues and cards in a rainbow of crayon from our kids. No matter what the context, acknowledging a moment of connection is meaningful- It's the good juju; the sweet, melty marshmallow in the s'more of life.

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The words we express in gratitude, no matter how small, may become someone’s precious memory. An offhand kind comment can stick in the old noggin and resurface as effervescent joy later on. We get so much of the crapola on the daily, that the little positive moments are treasure. I’ve kept a paper from 8th grade where a teacher I respect wrote: "You are an excellent writer." in red felt tip pen. It’s pinned to my cork board, a reminder that I’ve loved to write since I was little. That positive comment propelled me forward. It anchored in my heart as assurance that I could keep on going. I could do this.

 

Now, I’m a published author; artist, Lindy Hopper and Lover of all things delicious! A few years ago, I knew exactly who I was; certain in the things I could do well, then, in a heartbeat, it hit the fan. In 2019 I experienced two concussions about six months apart. All that I identified as Me, was balanced at the tip top rung of a ladder on a shifting sand dune. Thinking, then remembering those thoughts was like grasping at smoke in the wind. I knew they were there and could vanish just as easily. 

Everyone’s response is different to a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). To be frank, the concept of recovery, of healing a part of your system that both controls and communicates is bogus. Once any external scar disappears, the internal recovery is invisible. You don’t know what's different until it’s better. I didn't know I had stopped dreaming until I woke up one morning and remembered one. I hadn’t known they were missing until they returned. 

 

The truth is, you want to hide it. You want to make life easy for your family. You don’t want to catch the glances between them that tell you something’s not right. It was awful to feel 'less than' I was before. Less of what, I’m not sure. I’m slower at most things. If I get overtired or too stressed, it immediately shows up in my ability to think. Sleep- or lack of it, is a whole ‘nother thing. There’s too little of it when other people are sleeping. Then to catch up, when I feel like a sloth struggling through molasses, I feel guilty sleeping when I’m supposed to be productive. 

 

My first full time job post TBI started remotely last fall. I was so excited to join this wonderful group of people. They were getting ready to expand and I had hoped to be a tutor or teacher for their programs. Until their growth spurt happened, getting to know the nuts and bolts through an administrative position would make a great foundation. The job was completely within my (previous) ability and I enthusiastically embraced it.

 

Very quickly, I realized that since the concussions, some things had drastically changed. The way I was being asked to accomplish tasks wasn’t how my new brain was able to follow. It was hard to believe that simple things became confusing. I tried to find ways to adapt so my internal info processing could make sense of it. Often, articulating what was difficult became jumbled. My supervisor, though she had known me for two decades, and understood I had the concussions, became frustrated and drilled down on each task. I think she was embarrassed that the person she hired wasn't the crackerjack they used to be. That feeling came through loud and clear- I wasn't the same person she had respected & It was crushing.

 

The strongest parts of me, the creative, problem solving, Yes, I can gal was told to not think and just complete the tasks their way. Totally appropriate for the position. I was an administrative office worker. They were absolutely right to expect that I follow their process to the letter. However, Every time I tried, there were pieces that didn’t fit. I knew that if I could make up a different equation 1+3+1 instead of 2+2+1 they would both equal 5. Both paths would lead to the correct answer. I worked longer hours (not counting extra time I was afraid to report, feeling stupid) to complete fewer tasks. I studied the processes they wanted and spent extra unpaid time making outlines for my own comprehension- interpreting their direction in my own words. I felt her disappointment and wanted to give her a reason to respect me again. The places I stumbled, I didn’t understand why. My supervisor believed that micromanaging every single task would make her job easier. Static, detailed requests were unchangeable- adaptations were not only discouraged, they were not allowed. 

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My mornings started with an email detailing every mistake from the previous day. The realization of not being “able” to do what I knew was easy for the old me, made my stress level skyrocket and brain function suffer. Working harder made it worse. You can see the pattern here. After five months, they switched me to another job, generously trying to help me fit the positions they needed to fill. I started speaking with clients and helping them in small ways. This made all the difference! Starting to reconnect with people even by phone, was wonderful. However...

 

My supervisor had distanced herself from me. I think she needed to find a way to make up for her decision to hire me. All the time I was trying to fit, she needed to vent and unfortunately the owner was the receiver of all the frustration. It became clear that my post concussion brain wasn't what they needed to have on staff. Soon after the switch, we met and they confirmed that I wasn't meeting their expectations, so, they let me go. I hadn’t been fired from a job in forever! They were right. I couldn’t do what they needed someone to do in the way they needed it to be done. I, however, was gutted.

 

I wanted to explain to the founder that what she was seeing, wasn't the best of me; that the teacher/tutor would knock her socks off; that we All were realizing what things I could do well and what should wait until I was further recovered. She is an incredible, dynamic leader, working towards a goal I still believe in. I have the greatest respect for her and Love the mission of her company. She is literally changing the world.

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Over the following weeks, I applied for other jobs, but my heart wasn't in it. I never say, "I can't" but my confidence was severely shaken. All the things I thought were easy for me, became uncertain. Post TBI there is a point where you realize that you don’t know your new self. You don’t know what you CAN do- and it’s abundantly clear all the things NOT on the ‘Can Do’ list. Determined to change my own perspectives and start exercising my mental muscles, I knew one place to start would be to appreciate what I still Could do. No matter where I was at a given moment, I could be grateful for every little thing. 

 

I started counting my blessings. Thinking about what else could help me be stronger, lifted me up. Feeling able, creative, and brave, I could toss the pebble on my internal sidewalk hopscotch, skipping the places I couldn't reach yet. Writing, research, art, gratitude, & learning new things, all fit into the puzzle of a better brain. The pathways I couldn't travel could be replaced with a detour. I found new ways to do old things I loved. I came at problems standing on my head or on top of a desk, looking at them differently and figuring out how this new me could get there. I did. I do and I will continue to find ways to grow and learn. Wooot!

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As I nurtured a feeling of gratefulness, I intentionally began remembering folks who had shown me kindness, compassion and love. I looked at the world and saw  incredible people, and decided to acknowledge their efforts. I finally forgave myself. I let go of all the shortfalls and disappointments, things I hadn't been able to accomplish & it tasted like delicious, delightful freedom. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders that I hadn't known was there.

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Every thank you note I write makes me feel better. So I keep writing. Former teachers, old friends I’d lost touch with, students I remember fondly, people I admire, friends from our dance community near and far, all receive heartfelt thanks. Knowing each of them, makes our world richer and more colorful. 

 

Building a Better Brain: creatively rerouting my neural pathways. I love to make things happen. Like one of my doctors gently said- Now is the time to look inward and do all you can to nurture yourself. So, that's the plan. I'm strategically focused on activities that help the areas in my brain that need flexing. My memory, attention, executive function, organization, now have a new internal Neuro-yoga for a happy brain. I've made my own playground with a geodesic dome jungle gym.

 

It's like there's this big puzzle in our heads. We all have the same pieces. Everyone with a TBI has a few that are bent or crooked and some corners that don't fit anymore. So, we just carve and stack a few new ones that connect the good'uns together. Sometimes it's a path, an arc, or a bridge. The puzzle is still complete & beautiful- just 3D instead of 2 now. We've got to find the beauty everywhere we can. 

 

I've called this project Words-a-Flutter~ 

Connecting Gratitude for all the positive things we Can do,

with the internal calisthenics of building new brain cells.

Now, we can send good thoughts into the world

while we find all the best neuro-plasticity detours.

Colorful Butterflies accompany each Words-a-Flutter note as a reminder that:

we all go through a metamorphosis-

all of us are transformed as we emerge-

& no matter where we are on the journey,

Life is beautiful.

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Let's start a movement,

 Send a thank you note to someone positive in your life.

I'd love for you to join in the fun!